The Barmy Barm Cake Bandit and the Doctor Noble
by Rointheta
Summary: A few days after Bad Wolf Bay, Rose and the Doctor move into a house owned by Torchwood to get away from Jackie's meddling. They've barely sat down after the move when a very inquisitive neighbour shows up for a chat.


_This is the fourteenth fic in my 2013 Advent Calendar! I'll upload the thirteenth as soon as I've had time to edit the smut into something fitting the M rating of this site._

**prompt**: "how about the paparazzi's reaction to TenToo suddenly showing up with Rose in Pete's World?"  
**prompter**: peroxidebond  
**beta**: resile

* * *

**THE BARMY BARM CAKE BANDIT AND THE DOCTOR NOBLE**

* * *

One year after Canary Wharf, Rose bought her first flat. Her mum called it a cupboard and complained for days. Rose insisted she'd found the perfect place, but never called it home. She furnished it with just the bare necessities and spent as little time there as possible, leaving for work early in the morning and coming home late at night. When the Doctor split in two and one of him stayed with her, she didn't even consider bringing him to the flat. Instead, she decided that they would stay at the Tyler mansion until they knew what they wanted to do.

Between her mum's nagging, fussing and meddling, and sorting everything that needed sorted, Rose and the Doctor got little time for well-needed respite—and even less for talking about anything important. He'd told her snippets of what he went through during their years apart; she'd mostly talked about her invented background as the Tylers' secret daughter who grew up with relatives in France.

After two days, Rose turned to Pete for help. Torchwood owned several houses in different districts around the city, subletting them to staff, or aliens in need of temporary quarters. It took Pete one day to set them up and, whilst they waited, Jackie dragged them all over town to buy things they needed, pack up most of the stuff in Rose's flat, drive everything over to the house, and fill their new kitchen with groceries.

As soon as Jackie and the others left, Rose put on a kettle and the Doctor found a packet of biscuits, and they sat down at their table, in their kitchen, in their very quiet house.

"So…" Rose smiled at him, fingers wrapped around a cup of peppermint tea. "Hi."

"Hello." He took a sip of tea and grabbed a biscuit, inspecting it before taking a bite.

"Uhm… What—" She blew her fringe of her face and chuckled. "God, don't know where to start. This is awkward, though, right?"

He raised his eyebrows. "Hm?"

"I mean, you and me, and it's…dunno. And this, just you and me, drinking tea and having biscuits, it's what… That's what I really… But everything's so…" she said, waving her hand in a rolling motion as she searched for words.

He nodded. "Yeah."

"And I've wanted to-to talk to you, but— Mum just…" Rose sighed. "She means well, she does, but she just can't let things take their course, you know what I mean? She wants everything to return to normal as quickly as possible. Even if it's by force."

"Yeah. Well, that's Jackie, though, isn't it? Kinda comforting in a way."

"Yeah," Rose said with a laugh. "I'm sorry. I think everything will be much calm—" The sound of the doorbell cut her off and she knitted her brow, turning her head in the direction of the hall. "'Kay… Lived here for ten minutes and we already have visitors? Sit. I'll get it."

She went out to the hall, opened the front door, and found a man outside, crinkles fanning out from his brown, sparkling eyes, dark lips stretched out into a smile.

"Oh, hello,"

"'Lo! I'm Ted. I live farther down the street. Heard we had newcomers in the neighbourhood, so I decided to pop by and welcome you to our little corner of the world."

"Ooh. Hello, Ted," she said, holding her hand out. He wrapped his dry, warm fingers around it and shook. "I'm Rose. Rose Tyler."

He raised his other hand, jiggling a wine bottle. "My mother always said you shouldn't come empty handed, so… This is for you."

"Thank you. Uhm… D'you wanna come in for a bit?"

"Oh, I don't want to disturb you."

"No, it's all ri—"

"Well, if you insist!" He squeezed himself inside and hung his coat on the rack right at the door, stepping into the living room with his hands clasped behind his back as he took a good look around. "Oh… You've already settled in! Lovely sofa, that."

"Nah, we're renting it. Came furnished."

"We?"

"Yeah, me and… Uhm, c'mon," she said, waving to him to follow her as she headed towards the kitchen. "This is…uh…" She looked to the Doctor, raising one shoulder in question since he'd yet to settle on an alias.

"The Doctor," he said, standing up and shaking Ted's hand before sitting down again.

Ted crinkled his forehead. "The Doctor? That your name, then? Nothing else? Just the Doctor."

"Yep."

"He, uhm, he's from America. You know what they're like. Can name their kids whatever."

"Mm, I see. No last name, though? What are you? A musician?"

"Oh… No, I have one. It's…Noble. Yep. The Doctor Noble," he said, shooting a firm look at Rose when she tried her best to suppress a giggle. "But you can just call me Doctor."

"No 'the'?"

"Exactly."

Rose bit her lip and turned around to hide her grin, rummaging through the drawers to find a corkscrew. "Please. Sit down, Ted. Uhm, would you like some wine? Reckon we can open this now."

"I'd love some! Thank you."

Rose opened the bottle and put three standard glasses on the table, filling them up. "Sorry about the glass. We've not got wine glasses yet. Just got the basics."

"I don't mind." Ted took a sip, smiling. "So America…"

"Yep!"

"But your accent, Doctor…?"

"Right! Yes, my parents were…anthropologists! We moved around all over the world, exploring lost civilisations, visiting remote villages, you know, that whole thing. So, yes, I was born in Alaska during a visit to a family my mother had befriended years earlier when she wrote a book about…Yupik people. But…my parents really were from… Well, they were from Chiswick."

"Oh, I see. Is that where you're planning on settling down?"

"Sorry?"

"Well, according to your…" Ted gestured at Rose, lips moving without any sound coming out. "Wife? You're just renting? So, I thought maybe you're renting this place whilst you're house hunting."

"Oh, no. We're not married," Rose said.

"Weeeell, there was that one time at Puljibopura. We're a little married," the Doctor said, scrunching up his nose. "Just wee a bit."

"Yeah, I don't think that counts, Doctor."

Ted's eyes flickered between them. "Pu-puljibopura?"

"Yes. It's a small village in…Indonesia. Rose used to travel with me. For a few years. All around the world."

"Oh, you followed in your parents' footsteps, I take it?"

"Eeeer yep! Yes! Yes, I did." The Doctor grinned. "I come from a long, long line of anthropologists. It's in my blood! And Rose was my assistant."

"Aah, so you're an anthropologist as well!"

"Uhm…" Rose looked at the Doctor, then at Ted, smiling and shaking her head. "No, no I'm just me. Uhm, just…Rose Tyler."

"Oh, she's brilliant, she is. Best assistant I ever had. We met one dark night in…Toulouse. I was walking down the street on my way to a small…museum exhibiting, ehm, early Byzantine art, when I stumbled upon Rose surrounded by a…gang."

"Yeah. You should see the gangs in Toulouse, Ted. Wicked, they are."

"Quite. And the Nestene gang is one of the absolute worst. Almost killed her! Right there on the street, but I swooped in and fought them off with my Venu— My aikido skills," the Doctor said, chopping in the air.

Rose snorted, coughing and taking a mouthful of wine to hide her reaction.

"And then we went our separate ways—"

"Yeah. He was in his mysterious phase back then. Wore black leather and that. Told me to forget about him. Think he pretended he was a superhero or something. But then, the next day, who d'you think came knocking on my door?"

"You'd stolen my arm! And I'd not told you to forget about me yet. You're mixing things up, Rose Tyler."

"Your arm? Like the…limb," Ted asked, touching his own.

"Hm?" The Doctor blinked at him.

"You just said she stole your arm."

"Ah. No-no. Ehm… Buh-arm. My barm. You know, barm cake? Those round buns with—"

"Yes, I know what they are," said Ted.

"Well, then you can imagine my disappointment when I came back to the TA…the tavern I was staying at. This quaint little tavern. Right by the Canal de Brienne. And I was feeling a bit peckish and wanted to nibble on my barm cake—and it wasn't there! And I couldn't buy a new one, since they don't make them in Toulouse, so—"

"Then how did you have a barm cake in the first place?"

"Eeer, I'd brought it from England. On the train. Usually keep snacks in my pockets. Just in case."

"He gets peckish."

"Yes! Yes, I do. And you know what it's like when you've got your mind set on something, when you've carried that barm cake around all day, thinking about sinking your teeth into it, and then your pocket's empty! Becausesomeone stole it," he said, pointing at Rose and giving her a stern look.

"I didn't steal anything. It just…tagged along home with me."

"Oh, are you saying that the barm cake was sentient and decided to follow you home?"

"Yep! Just clung to me and refused to let go."

"You, Rose Tyler, are a barmy barm cake bandit and don't even try to deny it." The Doctor grinned, tilting his head from side to side and waggling his eyebrows.

"So you decided to…confront her about the theft?" Ted asked.

"Of course! I can't let something like that slide—"

"I let it slide, though." Rose snickered. "Straight down my gullet. Wasgorgeous, it was!"

"See!" The Doctor pointed at her. "Bandit! Of course I had to confront her. I take my cakes very seriously. Not that the barm cake is much of a cake, really, but I tracked her down nonetheless and then… Ehm…we…"

"He took me to see a show."

"Right! Yes. The end of the world… Quite a show, that."

"The End of the World?"

"Eeeer, yes, fantastic play by Arthur Kopit. Was performed by an underground theater company called The Face of Boe. You've probably never heard of them. No one has. Gotta know the right people. Brilliant, though. Really ahead of their time." The Doctor winked at Rose. "Then we went for chips!"

"Oh? You storm to her flat to get some justice, and then you end up going on a date? Love at first sight, eh?"

"Well…" The Doctor smiled at Rose. "I suppose, we…hit it off?"

"Yeah," Rose said, smiling back. "Wasn't a proper date, though. We were just mates."

"So, that's when you hired her?"

"Hired?" The Doctor furrowed his brow. "Ooh, right. As my assistant. Yes! Rose is not just very clever and resourceful, she's also quite the people person. Brilliant assistant to have on board when you visit, well, all sorts of different cultures. And we travelled for a few years and saw the world and…things."

"And that was when you got married in… I'm sorry. What was the name of that little Indonesian village?"

"Puljibopura! Fantastic place! Best smoked fish you'll ever taste. Loveliest people you'll ever meet. Lovely and very good at accidentally marrying innocent bystanders. We stumbled into this whole mass wedding thing," he said, flapping his hand about. "Was a laugh, though, wasn't it?"

"Yeah. And we got that lovely little tea set as a wedding gift from the high chief. Remember? It had that flower pattern," she said, painting petal shapes in the air.

"Cerulean seablossoms. Hm… Wonder what happened to that? Did I put it in the galley?" The Doctor drifted off, staring out the window and rubbing his jaw. Rose gave Ted a polite smile and topped off his glass before doing the same to hers; the Doctor's stood untouched. He took a deep breath and turned back to them, shooting off a grin that didn't reach his eyes. "No matter. Where were we?"

Rose took his hand under the table, squeezing it as she shuffled a little bit closer.

"The galley? And you said 'on board' earlier. Sorry, but did you own a ship? My dad was a cruise ship captain, see, and it's always fun to meet other seafolk."

"Yes, I did. Was my home for…a very long time. Lost now, though."

"Oh, I'm so sorry." Ted shook his head, brows drawn together. "That's awful, losing your home and all. Did you live with him Rose? Did you lose your home, too?"

"I did, but… Not when— Uhm… Well," she said, playing with her hair, "we lived on his ship for a few years, but then… We were—"

"Rose had gone home to visit her mum, when I needed to make a trip to research the… Marthadonnian tribe on… Papua New Guinea, and I got shipwrecked. Hit my head in the accident; suffered from amnesia. But the tribe took me in, as if I were one of them, treated me like family."

"Must've been hard! What, with the language and all."

"Yes, it was hard at was really hard and some days I thought…" he said, ducking his head and nodding. "Anyway, I got used to it, I suppose. Was gone for…er…"

"Four years," Rose said. "And I spent that whole time trying to get him back, I did. Everybody told me it was impossible. There was no way to find him. That I was wasting my time and my money. That I should just find someone and settle down. But…" She licked her lips and shrugged.

"You didn't give up," Ted said.

"No. Never. And a few days ago I finally succeeded."

"A few days? But what about your memories, Doctor? You seem fine to me."

The Doctor hummed, eyes glittering as they met Rose's. "As soon as I saw her, standing there on the deserted…beach, flushed and smiling, everything came crashing back. Couldn't be in her arms fast enough. And then…she brought me back home, and here we are. Living a life, day after day, in a house with doors, carpets, and things."

"Oh, that must feel wonderful," Ted said. "Coming home after being lost for so long. Having a home."

The Doctor met Rose's eyes with a soft smile. "Yes."

She nodded. "Yeah."

"Well, I'm gonna leave you to it, then. Don't wanna intrude now that you finally found each other again. Only a few days, you said! Can't believe you even opened the door!" Ted chuckled as he got up from his chair, holding his hands up when Rose made an effort to do the same. "No, no. No need to get up. I'll see myself out." He smiled, backing out of the kitchen. "Hope you'll both have a lovely evening. New house and all. New bed to break in." He waggled his eyebrows and Rose ducked her head, blushing. "Anyway. Welcome to the neighbourhood. Ciao!"

Rose sipped on her wine, listening to Ted's retreating footsteps and the sound of the door closing. The Doctor grabbed another biscuit and dipped it in his tea, although it couldn't be anything above tepid by this point. The lampposts cornering the quiet street outside had turned on, casting spots of light in the dark, and they sat for a while, staring out the window.

After eating his biscuit, he leaned back in his chair with a hum and licked the crumbs off his fingers. "Nice bloke, that Ted."

"Yeah… I think? He didn't say much."

"Hm, we barely let him get a word in, did we?"

"No," Rose, laughing. "I think we scared him off."

The Doctor grinned. "It's expected of me. I'm the rude one, after all, but you, Rose Tyler? For shame."

Rose frowned. "Come to think of it… He didn't really say anything about himself. His dad's a captain. He lives down the street. His name is Ted. But other than that? We gave him our whole life story, but… You don't think—" She turned around in her chair, facing him and leaning in a bit. "When I got here, right, there was some…buzz. You know, interviews, articles, a few paparazzi shots and that. But that just lasted for a few months before everyone realised how boring I was—"

"Really? Took them that long?"

"Shut up." She gave him a friendly swat on his arm. "Anyway, you don't think he…?"

"I think…" He exhaled, raising his eyebrows. "I think I'm hungry. And that we should go down to the pizza place I saw on the drive over here. Maybe five blocks that way." He pointed out the window. "And maybe you could text Pete and ask him to do a background check on this Ted?"

"Yeah. That's a good idea. Yeah, let's do that. I'm just gonna get my wallet. Did you see where mum put my bag?"

"Eeer… In one of the bedrooms. She put, ehm, my things in the green bedroom and your things in the blue."

"Right. Yeah, I'll just…" She gestured behind her. "D'you need anything from your room? Uhm, coat or something."

"Nope." He patted his blue suit jacket. "Still not as sensitive to cold as you lot. This'll do."

"'Kay. I'll be-I'll…"

She hesitated for one second, eyes flitting over his soft lips she'd yet to kiss again, the pulsepoint on his neck where he smelled just a little bit stronger, his arms that hadn't wrapped her close once since they left the beach.

"What?" he said, peering at her.

Biting her lip, she smiled and shook her head. "Nothing. I'll be right back."

* * *

.

* * *

The Doctor woke up by the faint sound of the doorbell ringing and rolled out of bed, standing up on wobbly legs. He rubbed his eyes and blinked them open, grimacing at the light coming in from the window. After dinner last night, Rose had packed up the rest of their things, whilst he'd been busy setting up the electronics Jackie had bought for them: television set, surround system, a computer each for him and Rose. They'd rounded up the evening by arranging a nursery for the TARDIS coral in the third bedroom, and stumbled straight to their separate beds long after midnight.

He'd forgotten to close the blinds, hadn't brushed his teeth, and had only managed to shrug himself out of his suit. Putting on jimjams had proven to be too much work. Blasted human body and its limits—and its mouth tasting like roadkill. He scowled and reached out for his dressing gown, slipping it on as he padded out to the hallway.

Ruffling his hair and yawning, he tapped on Rose's bedroom door three times with his knuckles. When she didn't answer, he pushed the door open a smidgen and took a peek inside. She lay sprawled over the bed, limbs helter skelter, hair like a bird's nest, mouth open and drooling. He forgot himself for a moment, warmth spreading in his chest as he watched her sleep, but another ring of the doorbell made him remember why he'd got up in the first place.

He rushed down the stairs and to the front door, plastering a smile on his face as he opened up.

His arm shot up out of reflex to cover his face as flashes burning like a thousand suns assaulted his eyes. Twenty voices asking him who he was muddles together into a blaring buzz. He stuttered, head turning left and right, up and down, before he yelped and jumped back inside, pushing the door shut with his bum. He took one second to collect himself before darting up the stairs and hurling himself into Rose's bed, shaking her shoulders.

"Roooooooooooose! Help! I'm the lead in a romantic comedy! Help me!"

"What?" She sat up, frowning at him. "What are you on about?"

"It's like in that film we saw! Notting Hill! I'm Hugh Grant!"

She rubbed her face with her palms. "What is?"

"Outside! Paparazzi. A whole pack of them. Clicking their cameras and throwing questions in my face and—" His eyes flew wide open before he narrowed them and leaned in close, still holding her shoulders. "Ted. Thatbastard. He sold us out."

"Oh, my god. It's too early for this. You didn't bring me coffee, did you?"

"Coffee? Coffee?! Are you even listening to me? There's a pack of paparazzi outside asking me if I'm an alien, how long I've been shagging Rose Tyler, and why I'm in need of babysitting!"

"What? Where's my iPad?" She crawled on all fours to the other side of the bed and leaned over the edge, searching on the floor and pulling up her bag. She slipped out her iPad and went online, typing something into the address bar. "Let's see… Reckon The Star's our safest bet. Biggest gossip rag in this England. Oh, here's something," she said, moving her finger over the touch screen. "Oh, my god."

"What?"

She threw her head back and barked out a laugh.

"What?!"

Straightening her back, she cleared her throat and read out loud. "'Rose Tyler is reduced to babysitting aliens in a quiet family neighbourhood. The Vitex heiress has been demoted from her position as one of Torchwood's foremost agents, and now acts as babysitter to a maniac alien who's yet to be housebroken'—"

"What?!" He bristled. "That's a lie, Rose. I'm perfectly charming, brilliant, and know how to behave in any society you throw me in!"

"Yeah. Sure. Shall I go on?"

He pouted, but nodded.

"'Rose Tyler, 26, pretends the mysterious alien is her bloke that she's been with for years, but friends to the family say the couple hasn't known each other for more than a week and have yet to share as much as a snog. They seem very uncomfortable around each other and are said to be unhappy about the arrangement. According to our sources, there is some mutual attraction—'"

"Some!? Is Ted blind? Everywhere we went, Rose—everywhere—people assumed we were a couple. We're sizzling."

She blinked at him, smile tugging at her lips as she waited for him to finish. "—'but inter-species relationships are frowned upon by Tyler's employers, and it's unlikely that she'll act on her supposed feelings.' And then it goes on and on about how we've barely got our stories straight, you're a compulsive liar and I can barely keep up with all the lies, that we sleep in separate bedrooms—"

"How would he know that?"

She shrugged. "Suppose he hung around last night, watching us like a pervert. Dunno. And there's a blurry picture of you and me leaving the zepport with a warning about you being dangerous, since you can't be left on your own and they had to assign such a good agent to care for you, so people should be on the lookout. "

"What? Either you're demoted or you're chosen because you're brilliant. It's one or the other. He's a bad writer, that Ted."

"Ian Ferguson. That's his real name, according to this article. Got a byline and all."

The Doctor narrowed his eyes. "Ian Ferguson. My new sworn enemy."

"Doctor, it's a gossip rag. Who cares?"

"But-but-but! He's saying that I'm a maniac alien who needs to be housebroken!"

She took a deep breath. "Well…"

"What?! You don't believe that do you? You…you don't believe I'm dangerous, do you?"

She grinned, tongue poking out between her teeth. "Nah. Just having you on. I know you're a good man. Isn't that all that matters?"

"But he's saying—"

"Look," she said, taking his hands. "We'll ring Pete, yeah, and get him to talk to Cat. She's his PR person. She'll fix this mess. We'll just make up a proper backstory and once that's done and you have your identity and all that, we'll have an interview with… Dunno. Helen Mirren or something."

"Helen Mirren?"

"Yeah. She stopped acting in the '80s in this universe and became England's most popular talk show host instead."

He frowned. "But who played the Queen in The Queen?"

"Uhm… We don't have a queen."

"Ooooh, right. 'Course. That's a shame. She's a friend, you know. Interesting, though… I wonder if there's a cor—"

"Anyway, I'll ring Pete and you can start thinking up back stories."

"But I liked that one."

"Yeah?"

"Yes! I want to be The Doctor Noble, most brilliant and adventurous anthropologist there ever was!"

"All right. Then we'll just tone it down and tell the press we knew Ian Ferguson was from The Star and that we were mucking about, all right? How's that sound?"

The Doctor sniffed. "Yes, but… We've known each other for years, Rose. That article said we're basically strangers to each other."

"We've been separated for a long time and… We're a bit shy around one another. That's fairly normal, don't you reckon? What's expected."

"I suppose."

She regarded him for a moment, toying with his fingers. "Wanna skip over that whole bit?"

"Hm?"

"I know you're still the Doctor, even though you've changed. You know why I know that?"

"Why?"

"'Cause I've changed as well. I've changed a lot. I'm not that Rose Tyler anymore, but I'm still me. In here," she said, bringing one of his hands to her chest. "And so are you. In here." She pressed her free hand over his single heart. "We've lost so much time already and none of us is exactly famous for being patient, so let's just skip the whole shy stage, yeah?"

His beamed at her, eyes flitting down to her smiling mouth, and he heard her breath hitch as he leaned in—but then he froze and shot up from the bed. "Hold that thought, Rose. I just need to brush my teeth."

"Yeah, you really do."

"Oi! So do you. You don't exactly smell like roses, you know."

She chuckled and got up on her feet as well. "Okay. So, brushing our teeth, weeing and that, and then snogging in my bed?"

"Oh, yes!"

* * *

.

* * *

Hours later, after the snogging had turned into touching and the touching had turned into tasting and the tasting had turned into shagging, the Doctor rolled off Rose with a content 'ah'. He folded his arms under his head, grinning like a fool and humming on a generic pop song. She snuggled up against him and slung an arm over his chest, burrowing her nose in his side.

"So this is what I've been missing, hm?"

"Yeah. Did you enjoy it?"

"We've made each other come with our mouths two times each, andshagged three times, and it's just after noon, Rose. I don't think 'enjoy it' will suffice."

She giggled, drawing lazy circles over his skin, around his nipples. "Yeah, was amazing."

"Reckon we should send Ian some flowers."

"Yeah?"

"Well, let's just say I'm feeling rather grateful at the moment. Knowing us? Could've gone a long time before we got our act together if it weren't for him."

"Oh, my god, you're right. Okay!" Rose fumbled after her mobile on the nightstand. "Just gonna ring mum's florist. Hold on." She scrolled through her contacts and placed the call, tapping her foot as she waited. "Oh, hello Veronica. It's Rose Tyler. How are you? Ah, lovely. Yeah. I'd like to order, uhm, one of each bouquet you have in your 'thank you' section, yeah? Yeah, I'm sure." Rose laughed. "Yeah, that's all right. Uhm, sign the thank you card 'Love, The Barmy Barm Cake Bandit and The Doctor Noble.' Yeah. It's to be delivered to an Ian Ferguson at The Star. Yeah, the magazine. That's right, on my mum's account. 'Kay, cheers."

She hung up and tossed the mobile back on the nightstand, squealing as the Doctor grabbed her by the waist, pulled her back into bed and growled into her ear. "Now, where were we?"

"Well, I'd say shagging for the fourth time today, but I'm starving! We've not even had breakfast yet, Doctor. So, I'm suggesting getting some of the leftover pizza from last night."

"Hm." He nuzzled her neck. "And then we return to bed?"

"Yeah, but first there's something else I wanna do."

"Oh?"

"Bring your things into this room. Make it our room. Or d'you prefer the one you have? Shall I bring my things to yours?"

"Nah," he said, nodding at the walls. "This'll do just fine. I like blue."

"Yeah?" She beamed at him and placed a kiss on his nose. "Me too. I loveit."

He made a delighted noise and pulled her on top of him, turning three times into four, and four times into five, before getting out of bed and moving his things into their new room.

* * *

**the end**


End file.
